First time in threes
Becoming a parent is not difficult, but parents are very!
Who does not know this saying? And everyone who has ever become a parent (part)knows & szlig; also that he is right (apart from the birth).
Back to & uuml;ck in a new life-checklist for & Uuml; R the father
A special Situation is when the new mother comes home with her Baby for the first time. How the woman experiences this Situation is primarily up to you, love Väter. We have put together a checklist for you, what should be done when your wife comes home, so that this f & uuml; r all an unforgettable schöNES experience will:
Is the floor swept / sucked?
Is the W & auml; sche washed (geb & Uuml; gelt) and wegger & auml; umt?
Is the K & Uuml; che aufger & auml; umt and are the beds made?
Are the flowers poured?
Have you thought of a welcome bouquetß?
Is the KÜhlschrank with the favorite foods (milk, Butter, K Ä se, cold cuts,…) of your wife gef & Uuml; llt?
Have you fÜR the n & auml; chsten two days pre-cooked/ready meals at home?
Do you have mild fruits (bananas, & auml; pfel) and salad (Möhren, cucumbers) in the House?
A few bags of milk tea from the pharmacy and 2-3 bottles of malt beer may be useful.
Is f & Uuml; R the Baby everything ready? The changing table furnished, gen & Uuml; Gend diapers available?
Is the baby cot covered?
A pacifier and a tea bottle (each the smallest sizeößE) should be in the House & ndash; and when the Baby s & auml; uglingsmilchnahrung gets, ben & ouml;tigen you zus & AUML;tzlich a bottle base equipmentÜstung (4 milk bottles with suction, cleaning BÜ rste z. B. from NUK)
Parents being hei & szlig;t: teamwork
Are the Baby and the young mother at home, teamwork is needed, because it fällt often much more work on, than you geträUMT has. The Baby demands the biggest part of your attention, which you also like to give him, because full of pride you observe every progress, which it T & auml; makes like: the first L & auml; cheln, the first willentliche seize your Hand, ... But increasingly You Or / and your Partner will also again time FÜR themselves ben & ouml; tigen. You should admit this to yourself from the beginning and also take this time - füR yourself and your partnership.
The often only half wage must now füR A family member more rich-that is certainly not easy at the beginning. Aber es stehen Ihnen verschiedene & ouml; public aids available& Uuml; gung, which will improve your household budget somewhat:
Education allowance (from the pension office)
Child benefit (from the employment office)
Social assistance (from the social welfare office)
Maternity allowance (from the health insurance)
Housing benefit (from the Housing Benefit Office at the housing office)
Maintenance advance fund (from the Youth Welfare Office)
Ermäßigter kindergarten contribution (from the youth welfare office)
Deferral of BAföG-Rückzahlungen, etc. (by the Studentenwerk)
Bishop's Fund (Catholic family counselling centres)
Municipal foundations, state and federal funds "mother and child" (from consulting offices for family planning)
Dar & Uuml; beyond k & ouml; you can also save money with:
Credit account: do not set up a Dispotkredit, because if it is in the Soll, the account & Uuml; hrung is really expensive.
Debt advice should be available to you if you are in debt - because it does not help you and your family if you stick your head in the Sand-the debt does not really disappear from this. Debtor consultations are available in many St & Auml; dten and circles
Family holidays: children do not need exotic destinations with kilometers weißen SandstrÄnden and türkisblauem Meer. You gen & Uuml; gen a stream, pebbles, a small beach at the backhoe and relaxed parents. Recommended for holidays with children is a holiday apartment or a camping holiday or a farm (especially if the Kids are already a few years old). Some federal L & auml; nder subsidize certain family vacation programs. Please inquire once at your city or county.
She f & Uuml; hlt himself with the baby care & Uuml; berfordert, he f & uuml;HLT himself excluded. It doesn't have to be that way. Talk to Baby in the first time, who does what when, for example if he (the rule) works, he can bathe/wash, wrap, feed and/or bring the child to bed in the evening. Maybe she has Sundays no desire for a walk and möchte just rest, because she can not see the child anymore (even if she then it right back with her will), then dad should go for a walk alone with son or daughter.
F & Uuml;R the parent at home applies: give your Partner the Chance to spend Also tä resembled some time with the child.
F & Uuml;R the working parent applies: Göyou can give your Partner from time to time a baby - free time, e.g. füR the Sport or a bath in the evening-and "claim your right as a parent": show that you also spend time with the Baby mö chten.
Are both at home: distribute you just Freud and suffering: mom should not only wrap, FÜttern and Wäschewaschen Zustandändig be and dad not only FüR´s walk and play. Speak best of who likes what and if both do something not like, then m & Uuml; ssen this "work" just alternately be done.
What to do when the couple relationship is more and more behind gerät? Zun& auml; chst: everyone needs time f & uuml;R himself and the Baby and both need "relationship time": take yourself at least once a week time F & uuml;r your relationship: what moves the other, what befürchtet he, etc.
Your love life will probably be a bit broke in the first period. But this is usually reflected, if you have become the three of life somethingöhnt and the scars of childbirth are healed. Then many couples experience the first time after birth as particularly sch & ouml; n. you also need to have no inhibitions, because the Baby may schläft in the cot right next to your bed-it will, if it schläft not notice anything and if yes, so it will do not suffer any damage. If it is uncomfortable for you, however,and you are gest & ouml; rt Fühlen, then push the baby bed simply f & uuml;R A short time out of the room or you are looking for another love nest (e.g. in the living room). Accept both that you are in a time of deep, caring love for the child and less in a high-time of sexual love between woman and man.
A sibling for our little one?
Many parents face this question at some point. And once the decision has been made, the next question is: when is the best time? How will we deal with the "big one" who may still be small himself? Is it possible to love two or more children equally? We would like to explore these and similar questions in the following article.
In about half of all families with children, only children grow up. The life courses of only children and siblings do not differ - regardless of whether they are inconspicuous or have problems. The genetic material of siblings is on average 50% the same.
The sibling relationship
... is considered the longest relationship in a person's life. It is something fateful, because you cannot choose it, but are born into it. It continues to have an effect even when there is no longer any contact between the siblings. It is often characterised by a high degree of intimacy that is unmatched in any other relationship. It is typically characterised by a deep-rooted emotional ambivalence with the most intense positive (love) and negative (hate) feelings.
Initially, it is the parents' task to pave the way for a relationship between the siblings: until about the 16th/17th month of the younger child's life, they have to meet the demands of both children and thus regulate the sibling relationship. By about the age of 2, a relationship is established between the siblings that takes on a dynamic of its own, independent of parental influences. However, parental behaviour throughout childhood plays a decisive role in the quality of the sibling relationship. A secure and reliable attachment of both siblings to the mother is conducive to the children's attachment to each other.
In studies, the relationship between siblings was rated worse the more unequal the treatment by the mother and/or father, especially when the unequal treatment was not attributed to differences in age or needs.
Siblings - for life!
As mentioned above, the sibling relationship lasts a lifetime. However, the focus of the relationship changes, as the following list shows:
Childhood and adolescence: In the first period, mutual emotional support and the development of comradeship and friendship dominate: older ones help younger siblings, people do each other small favours, stand by each other and show solidarity towards third parties (e.g. parents). Typical rivalry themes are now: control, dominance and maturity.
Early and middle adulthood: Now, too, camaraderie and mutual emotional support are in the foreground - support and help are indicated in crisis situations; in addition, the duty of looking after the ageing parents is assumed jointly. Typical rivalry topics are now: professional success and recognition (especially brothers) in addition to physical attractiveness and fitness; disputes are also increasingly sparked on family-related and attitude- and value-oriented topics.
Late adulthood and older age: Camaraderie and mutual emotional support are (still) particularly important, people help each other in times of need, possibly work through old rivalry problems for good - they give each other the feeling that they can rely on the other. Typical rivalry issues are: family-related and attitudinal as well as value-oriented issues
What loves each other, skins each other? - or: Sibling rivalry and how to deal with it
Sibling rivalry is as old as human history: just like present and future siblings, Cain and Abel already rivalled each other in the Bible. The roots of this rivalry are seen on the one hand in the constant struggle of siblings for the love and affection of their parents. This struggle begins with the birth of the sibling, when the firstborn experiences a so-called "dethronement trauma": he or she feels set back, has to share and is no longer the focus of parental attention. The older child is jealous of the younger child and finds it difficult to accept that the mother has to take care of the little one for a long time, cuddles with it, comforts it, etc.
Sibling rivalry proved to be particularly great among sibling pairs of the same sex (especially male) and close in age. The reason for this is seen in the fact that siblings constantly compare themselves with each other: in terms of appearance, characteristics and abilities, and because they have to deal with each other so often.
Researchers most often found one-sided rivalry: the weaker, i.e. feeling inferior, siblings rival the stronger (often older) siblings, some of whom do not even notice.
Recommendations for parents
Avoid thoughtless remarks that could fuel jealousy
Do not emphasise differences between your children all the time and not in front of your children ("The little one has two left hands.", "The tall one is less sporty").
Treat your children individually - but not preferentially or disadvantageously.
What loves, skins? Yes and no. Studies in kindergartens show that especially children who like each other often clash. The sibling quarrel can be even more intense because the sibling is a training partner for children's efforts to set their own boundaries and assert themselves, and the children basically know that nothing can happen to them. Furthermore, roles in the family have to be constantly redefined - and children, after all, primarily use their hands and feet to defend or even strengthen their position. It is not uncommon for two sibling squabblers to try to turn the mother/father against the other. Therefore, parents should stay out of the quarrels as much as possible and in no case take sides for a child. However, you should intervene if you notice that one child is obviously getting the short end of the stick because the other is becoming so unfair that the "weaker" one is no longer a match for him/her. It is noticeable that the argument is particularly loud when the parents are around. Why? The children want more attention - therefore a little tip: pay less attention to quarrels and pay more attention to your children when they are sociable. And: maybe children only argue because of the nice feeling of reconciliation afterwards?!
It is perhaps also comforting that sibling relationships usually harmonise in the course of middle and late childhood. One reason for this is certainly that each sibling develops their own contacts and relationships as well as their own employment preferences and interests.
Many family educators advise parents to keep an age gap of 3 years, because then the siblings often get along well with each other, do not rival each other so often and can do a lot with each other.
ollowing the psychoanalyst Margret Mahler, Silbernagel and Lucassen divide the first three years into four phases and present in their book what your child feels at what age when a sibling is announced:
6 - 10 months: At this time of first detachment from mother and child, the child experiences the birth of a sibling as an intrusion into its familiar world, because now it is not mother and child who determine the pace of detachment but other external conditions - the second child is experienced as an unclear threat.
10 - 18 months: The child's interest is now directed towards conquering the outside world - birth is not experienced as negatively as in the previous phase.
18 - 24 months: The child is in conflict between the desire for independence and for unlimited care by the mother. And it is precisely this point that makes a child at this age very difficult when a sibling is born.
older than 2 years: The closer the birth takes place to the previous phase, the more likely the child is to become insecure. If, on the other hand, the birth of the sibling is imminent towards the end of the 3rd year, the relationship with the father is now increasingly accepted as a balancing element.
Pregnant - for the second time
This is how the father experiences the second pregnancy
While the first pregnancy is marked by newness and the unknown, the second pregnancy can be approached much more calmly by the father: he knows what (erotic?) his wife looks like with a big belly, that she is sometimes obnoxious, that she may develop the strangest tastes, that she constantly has to go to the toilet ... and that all this will be over with the birth. The father now has an especially important role to play: because apart from the partner, the firstborn needs his daddy because he feels neglected and perhaps also insecure about his position in the family (see below). During these months, a particularly intimate relationship can develop between father and child. Some fathers are also more relaxed about the birth because they know roughly what to expect. The time after the delivery will also no longer be so marked by the fear of failing: because fathers have either already tried and tested themselves with the first child or they are looking forward to the second chance to do everything better this time. All in all, the expectant father usually approaches the repeated pregnancy in a more relaxed manner.
This is how you can let your "big one" share in the pregnancy
Don't tell your child too early that a sibling is coming, because he or she must be able to grasp the period until birth with his or her mind. Let your child experience with hands and ears how the baby grows and moves on your growing belly. Perhaps you can also use the situation to explain about conception and birth - there is no such thing as too early in this case, because what the child does not understand, it forgets or asks again later. A baby doll with accessories is almost always fun for the older child to practise with. Let your "big one" choose from his or her previous toys those with which the baby may play.
Motherly love - that means loving everyone equally, but not treating them equally!
Everyone comes into the world with the need to be recognised, respected and loved by the environment around us, especially the family. The child learns to behave in such a way that it receives sufficient attention and recognition. Now, if there are already siblings, it tries to secure the attention of the parents where the sibling does not already do so. This is one reason why siblings develop differently: a lazy one is followed by an active one, a rebellious one by a peaceful one, etc. Therefore: Commit to unequal treatment and give each child what it needs and not always the same to both.
This is how you ease the situation for your "big one"
The change is enormous: yesterday still the caring only child, whose every wish was read from the eyes, and today big sister or big brother to a loudly crying baby. This change does not always go smoothly. How your child reacts to the new arrival essentially depends on three factors:
his age and stage of development (see above)
Temperament and gender of the child
Stability of the relationship of trust
A few behavioural measures also make the changeover easier:
The custom of giving a gift to the older child with the birth of the sibling has proven itself - in the baby's name, so to speak.
Reserve certain privileges for your firstborn: a specific singing/reading time, a cuddle time before bedtime, the gym class once a week
Tell your first-born that a baby like that can get on your nerves sometimes too and that he or she is not yet very useful as a playmate at first.
Don't send your eldest to nursery school just when the sibling is born, because then he or she will feel pushed away.
Trust your older child to handle the newborn - but also do not overburden them with care and support services
Your older child also has a right to be small! Therefore, do not expect it to be sensible, insightful and independent from one day to the next just because there is a small baby!
Go ahead and give your "big one" the bottle again and swaddle it again if necessary - show it that it can always be sure of your unrestricted affection.
Show your older child that you also accept negative feelings towards the sibling - you also want to up and leave sometimes, don't you?! The only important thing is the way in which these feelings are expressed: if the bigger one constantly hits the smaller child, this is certainly not permissible, on the other hand, if the older one asks if you can take the baby back, then talk to him about it, this will certainly help the little "big one" more than if he always has to swallow his anger and the resentment builds up, or even better: use the opportunity to make a declaration of love: "But I can't give Anna back. I love her just as much as I love you. And I would never give you away again either!"
Make sure that the older child does not get a raw deal, e.g. the father can take care of the "dethroned" child first and foremost in the first few months - then the older one may sometimes be jealous, but he will cope quite well.
If necessary, give your children more distance from each other, e.g. by having separate rooms or a certain length of time in which everyone is allowed to use the common room for themselves.
The little one - an annoying appendage?
Don't look at your second-born only from your elder's point of view, otherwise he will be disadvantaged even before he is born.
And what if there is a third or fourth child?
... then don't forget your middle children, because they (in contrast to the older ones) are losing their position as the nestlings and they have to cope with that first. Try to treat all the children equally and do something alone with each of them. It's certainly not easy, but it can be done!
Several children - where is the partnership?
It certainly doesn't get easier in the partnership with the second child. The woman becomes more and more of a mother, because two children demand more of her time than one - even if the father actively supports her. It is now even more important than with the first child to find a common niche, e.g. once a month an evening or a lunch without children or a visit to the sauna together.
Family in transition
A family, what is that & Uuml; at all?
They will say these are my Partner, my child (s) and me. Or they are my child (s) and me. And what about your unmarried friends without children? When does a family become a family? The following article möchte give you here a small guide and show that your family - so außergewösimilar you may also be - but not so ungew & ouml;similar is. And not so novel.
Three Family Myths
No premarital sex
The opinion that fr & Uuml; her premarital sexual intercourse was an exception due to social and church norms and sanctions as well as due to lack of resources is wrong. Häufig was - also in the 50s still - wäduring the pregnancy the woman married - this was also the H & auml; ufigsten marriage reason dar.
Fr & Uuml; her was the infant mortality very large & szlig;. As a result, the families were not much größer than today. In Bavaria, for example, the average household size was between 4.3 (1925) and 4.7 (1900) at the turn of the century. In addition, non-family persons worked and lived in many households. For this reason, and because of the high Müttersterblichkeit prevailed in the past, small families, and incomplete—full families.
Fr & Uuml; her held the marriages länger
Fr & Uuml; her were in about the same number of marriages by a frühen death of a spouse aufgelöSt as today by divorces. Therefore, there were already then a large number of single parents and stepfamilies.
Family forms to be found today
Family psychologist Matthias Petzold distinguishes seven primäre life forms in today's Society, said not necessarily be children There m & uuml; ssen.
Family Form & amp; examples:
1. normal nuclear family: the traditional father-mother-child-relationship
2. Family as a normative Ideal: stand-Alone with an orientation to a normative family ideal
3. the childless couple's relationship: involuntarily or by choice childless couples
4. non-marital relationship with children (but with a normative family ideal): modern dual-earner family with child(Ren)
5. post-modern marriage relationship without children (but with the standard orientation on professional career and intimate partnership-related marriage without children
6. non-marital parenting without orientation to an ideal norm: shared flats with children, one-parent families
7. married couples with children (but without a normative Ideal): alternatively-oriented parents who are still married
Na, which family types go & ouml; ren you? Since Petzold expanded the scientific understanding of the family (from a psychological point of view, the family is a social relationship unit, which is particularly characterized by intimacy and intergenerational relationships) to include the subjective attitude to "we are a family" of those affected, an image of today's family forms emerges, which is expressed by pluralism. Therefore, there is actually no family form that does not out there.
Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that most people still understand the so-called nuclear family, i.e. father, mother, child(er). For families with children, this is also the "rule": 80% of children grow up together with both parents up to the age of 18. And only 13% of all families (married couples with and without children and Single parents) are Single parents. Here again, the women represent the largest share: 18% single parents Vätern stand 82% single parents MÜtter againstÜber. Die soziale Lage der Letzteren ist aufgrund gesellschaftlich und kulturell tradierter Rolenvorstellungen wieder FüR die Mütter als Familien - und berufstätige Frau schwieriger zu bewältigen als FüR Männer.
mother. The idea of the ideal mother was probably never more ambivalent than today. So the wife and mother today faced the choice, which Mother image she wanted to take - at least, if she belongs to the middle classört.
The traditional mother image
This mother picture had its BlÜtezeit in the 1950s and 1960s: Mütter should be married, give up their profession in favor of the children and almost exclusivelyßlich füR the education, care and care of the Children state & auml; ndig be. In this task the mother is fully absorbed.
The Super Nut
This ideal image is widely spread by the media and feminist groups: women should and can be attractive sexual partners, professionally successful, perfect housewives and super Mütter. Hays summarizes this mission statement somewhat & Uuml; berspitzt: "this mother can push a stroller with one Hand and carry the briefcase with the other. She is always well-styled, her tights never have running stitches,her food & uuml;M is always free of Creases, and your home is NatÜrlich blitzsauber. Their children are immaculate: they have good manners, but are not passive, but cheerful and brimming with self-confidence"
The Three-Phase Model
This maternity picture originates primarily from the 1970s and 1980s: women should after a good school and vocational training their profession as long fromÜben, until the first child is born (1st Phase), then they should exclusivelyßlich around the child education kümmern (2nd Phase) and if the children they no longer need in high Maße wÜrden, Könnten the MÜtter again berufstäTig (3.phase). Worth noting about this picture is that the Re-entry into the profession always takes place fr & Uuml; her and today takes place in the first primary school years or kindergarten years.
The" new " MÜtter
... are mainly women from the middle class, who after the birth of the first child consciously renounce a vocational training. They follow a mission statement, in which individualization, self-realization and personalization in the Ausübung of the housewives and mother role are realizable - rather than in the foreign - determined, rationally geprägten and competitive working world, because only in the family köwomen can be themselves and their own ideas of Life realize.
The birth image of those assigned to work
Here it is illusory to talk of Möpossibilities of self - realization in the profession, career opportunities or äsimilar-here is the job security in the foreground. Women of this group m & Uuml; ssen quasi follow a mission statement, which prescribes acquisitionÄactivity and maternity and views as compatible with each other.
And, have you found your ideal mother role? Yes? But you think I will never manage one or the other in my life? Then they are like many other women. and then: don't worry about it! Other Mütter are also not so perfect that you can fully live the ideal Mother image. Everyone has his SWächen and Stärken - and they should use and not be let by a GefÜhl the Unzul änglichkeit & Uuml; bermannen. Your Child loves you as you are when you take care of it with your love. And do not forget: you are not the only caregiver for your child - there are some others: be it the dad or the grandma or the educator or a friend of yours. Although you have a large influence on your child, you are not alone FüR responsible for the development of your SPR & ouml;slling. Since flie & szlig;en many other factors with a!